home again.

this is the second year i've applied to jobs at home. and the second year i haven't been hired. on the one hand, i was conflicted about the jobs not being quite right for me (altho', practicality dictates that not factor into our familial decisions and i gave both applications my all). on the other, the prospect of being nearer friends-who-are-more-like-family and family-who-could-use more-help-from-offspring and the vision of working in a state that i _know_ and care so much about was very, very intoxicating.

each failed application makes me feel farther and farther from home.

when i came in from the airport saturday my eyes were unaccustomed. seriously, this city is an urban planning disaster. an archipelago of hotels in one gigantic parking lot? really? the squat buildings, the dirt, the orientation away from the amazing mountains framing the skyline...

i think maybe my eyes were defending my heart.

walking yesterday towards the mountains, knowing that beyond this city there is so much i understand and love i felt heartbroken. and maybe i'm staying the heartbreak by returning each time i do, reconnecting with friends, reacquainting myself with this place. i was sad because i realized that each time i return i know this place less, that my belonging is slipping from my grasp.

maybe, tritely, it's time to let go. or to bring the family home anyway, braving unemployment. i think for now i'll just let all the sadness, yearning and disappointment break over me, along with the joy of being here for almost three months, cradled by all that i love.