i haven’t been back here for more than two years. and here was never home. it only now occurrs to me that all of my trips here—even the first, when i had to have an actual visa, and a letter from my parents because i was fifteen—have been some sort of tourism. learning-spanish tourism, accompaniment-in-a-village-before-the-peace-accords tourism, buying-novels-for-research tourism and, now, hanging-out-in-a-polluted-and-very-dangerous-city-while-i-write-about-a-guatemalan-author-who-spent-most-of-his-life-abroad (in the "first world")-anyways tourism.

tourism in europe is easier, obviously. i blended in well enough in france, felt like a local with my croissant routine and the easy navigation of the city. it was still easy in rome, even though my tourist existence was superfluous to—and threatened by—the throngs of religious pilgrims and tour groups.

i am curious about the expats who live here, work here, and somehow survive on guatemalan peace industry wages (NGOs, aid organizations and foreign embassies). are they still tourists? and the woman from lansing that i met on the plane, a conservative housewife with nine children and enough missionary zeal to adopt an additional child, a guatemalan “orphan”. or is she on a business trip? **

my unsettlement here is maybe about freedom of movement. guate is different now, more dangerous, and i’m not to take the bus, or walk around after dark. i am identifiable no matter what i wear or how i speak or how many tortillas i buy. and yet i am here, walking around—safely or otherwise—in this city. i can speak spanish—with whatever accent—because half my life ago i studied here, and i flew here on an easy flight from detroit. and so i move. and so does the partner of the woman who video-chats next to me, working in the states. but no one would call him a tourist.

**the adoption situation here is wild, and i’m only beginning to figure it all out. international adoptions were almost halted last month, because of major concerns about trafficking and child theft (yes, seriously, i’m not talking about organ snatchers or chupacabras here, but babies stolen from their families in marketplaces and villages), but the lawyer lobbyists were able to challenge it on “constitutional” grounds. babies are big $ here, and handled by private organizations with few legal checks and balances.